*Sigh* It's a Monday morning and I am sitting down to organize my thoughts and enjoy the morning instead of rushing out the door to get to work by 7:00. In fact, it's not quite 7:00 and I have already changed and fed Zane and put him back to bed, gotten in a workout (not my best but it's been a while), taken a shower, brushed my teeth and am sitting down with a cup of Mother's Milk Tea and my breast pump. I'm not sure that I will ever be able to fully express how amazing this feels. Today is the first working day that I've been able to take off since going back to work 20 weeks ago.
I knew that returning to a 40 hour work week after being gone for 8 weeks and leaving my 6 week old at home was going to be difficult but I really had no idea. Returning to work has been far more difficult than I could ever have anticipated.
A few weeks prior to returning to work, my back up who I had recently trained before going on maternity leave, emailed me to inform me that she had gotten another job and would be quitting as soon as I returned. Being post partum and emotional already, I did not take this news very well. Losing my back up took away any chance that I could take an extra day off after returning. As I am the only one at my job with my position there would be no other person who could fill in for me. This meant that I would be missing out on Zane's doctor visits and photo appointments. With several deadlines at all different times throughout the week being able to have a sick day was out of the question as well. It was definitely another reason to hope that Zane didn't get sick as I wouldn't be able to stay home and take care of him. I talked my backup into working an extra day to be there on my first day back so that we could touch base and she could fill me in on what was going on over the last 8 weeks.
Shortly after returning to work my newly promoted general manager confided in me that he was offered a position at another company that would pay nearly 50% more than he was currently making and gave him a schedule that would allow him to spend more time with his family. Obviously this was an opportunity that he could not turn down and he would be leaving in just a few short weeks. I had worked with this manager for about 8 years and he was easily my favorite. I was happy for him and his wonderful opportunity but I was also quite devastated by the news. Our work environment had seen some wonderful changes since his promotion and in addition to missing him being around I was fearful that we would be taking steps backward in the office.
With all of this change going on and missing my family at home I felt incredibly overwhelmed for quite a while and had many tear filled shifts. On top of this I had to worry about pumping at work to make sure that Zane was still a breastfed baby. Upon my return, my general manager had set up a space for me to pump in a linen closet. This might not seem so wonderful but given that I shared an office with 10 men and the linen room was the only space with a lock and no camera, it was my best option. I certainly didn't want to be pumping in the car everyday. He was also quite sweet and ordered a mini fridge for the office so that I had somewhere to store my milk. I was incredibly touched and am still so thankful to him for this.
The management team was very understanding of my breaks to the linen room (in the beginning I was pumping every 3 hours) however the staff was less than so. I didn't realize until then how popular the linen room was. Even with a sign posted letting everyone know that the door was locked and not to enter, I had frequent interruptions. There has still yet to be a week where I don't have someone who need to get into the room. Up until a few weeks ago when I finally changed the sign to say "nursing mommy inside" the interruptions were a daily thing. At minimum there would be a jiggle of the door handle as someone would try to enter. More often than not there would be a knock on the door. I sat in the room uncomfortably as people would bang on the door, express their irritation loudly, and make rude comments regarding their opinion about what I was doing ("That's disgusting! Can't she find a bathroom to do that in?!" "Go home and be a mother instead of being here!"). I once had to stand up, quickly scoop up my pump, and slam my body against the door to stop someone with keys who ignored the sign and started to enter. Even while pleading for them to stop coming in and pushing against the door they tried to fight past me. On more than a few occasions (including my last day of work this last Friday) my sign had been moved to the top of the door making it difficult for my 5 foot frame and short arms to reach up and retrieve it once I was done in the room. Needless to say I began to dread pumping and this left me broken hearted. I was just trying to make sure my son was fed, and I felt like I was doing something wrong.
Not having a real break since returning to work has been a bit of a challenge. I feel like I'm constantly on the go and can't slow down to enjoy anything. I find myself having a long day at work and rushing home before Zac leaves for his job. Zac and I have opposite schedules which allow us to avoid childcare and lets Zane be with one of us at all times. These schedules work out wonderfully for childcare but don't give us much time during the week to be a married couple. As it stands we get one or two nights during the week together. Unfortunately, during the week I'm pretty tired from work and go to bed not long after Zane so we don't get much time to catch up with one another. During the week I only get a few hours with Zane before he goes to bed. Since I leave for work before he wakes, this is the only time I get with him. (I once heard him wake up and start to cry as I walked to the car in the morning and was crushed that I had to continue on my way to work.) Saturday has turned into our family day. It's the one day Zac and I both have off so we try to make it full of fun. It doesn't always work out this way since we still have a house to maintain and errands to run but we try.
As I mentioned before, my general manager was gone a few weeks after I returned to work. Since his choice to leave happened suddenly, we were without a replacement for a while as our corporate office looked for someone in the company to relocate. This unfortunately put my plans to get a new backup trained on the back burner. A process that began in late July took until October to finalize. I was getting anxious to get a backup in training because I knew that I needed a break. I wanted to take six weeks off for "bonding time" (a state given allowance for mothers of infants under one year of age) and I wanted to take this leave over the holidays. Being home for Zane's first fall and winter holidays meant the world to me and not having someone trained to take over my job while I was away complicated this. The stress and anxiety started to get to me and I began to suffer physical consequences. It started with headaches and progressed to feeling tired and weak. For more than a week I had chest pains and my body felt as though I were being folded in half vertically. I had difficulty breathing in deeply which of course frightened me and made me more stressed and anxious (vicious cycle). Worst of all I noticed a serious decrease in milk supply. Zane was eating more and more and I was pumping less each session. I decided that regardless of whether or not I had a backup I needed to put in my notice at work for my leave of absence. It was what was best for me and my family. Thankfully I was able to begin training a backup and they were certified on my last day of work.
This brings us to today. Today is my first official day of leave. For the next six weeks I will be focusing on my family and soaking in every moment with them. I've made a goal not to let a single day go wasted. This break has been seriously needed and much anticipated. I want to be sure that I'm accomplishing things, making memories, giving lots of love to my husband and son, visiting with friends and family that I haven't seen in months, and breathing some fresh air. I've spent the last five months working in an office with no windows, stressing over deadlines, rushing home, and just trying to make it through the day. It's time to start living! I don't want to spend my days trying to get through them. I want to live them.
On my last day my new general manager (who is one very sweet and understanding woman) got me a gift of things to help me relax over they next six weeks. It was incredibly thoughtful. One of the items was an adorable notebook. While Zane naps today I will begin filling it up with lists, plans, goals, and projects. I have so many thoughts and ideas rushing through my head about what I can accomplish during my leave. It's time to get them all on paper and work on my most important goals: make myself happy, make others happy, make beautiful things, and create wonderful memories.
I have missed my blog dearly. The last time I posted my sweet Zane was only 8 weeks old. I'll try my best to post regularly (even when I return to work). I'm looking forward to sharing our small family adventures this holiday season.
May you all have a WONDERFUL Monday!
1 comment:
I've missed your blog! I am glad to see you getting some time with your little man and husband! Enjoy these moments, as cliche as it sounds they do go by in the blink of an eye.
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